Do you know what really annoys me? When people say, ‘You won’t find love until you love yourself.’

The reason this annoys me is because loving yourself, in my opinion, is one of the hardest things to do. For me, it feels like an added pressure. It feels like that there is a condition attached…. until I learn to love myself, I am not capable or not worthy of finding someone to be in a relationship with. Not able to attract true love.

I will admit, I have spent years trying to attract love. Trying to make myself the perfect partner for someone. Losing weight, wearing make-up, having my hair done, wearing nice clothes, trying to be funny, good company, sexy, good in bed, being supportive with their work or businesses, involving myself and learning about their hobbies, the list goes on. I wanted to tick as many boxes for them as I possibly could. It was almost like I was wearing a big illuminous sign saying PICK ME. And as for loving them, I gave my heart, wrapped up with a great big bow on it every time.

And guess what? It never worked. What a shocker!

They either weren’t really that interested in me, or they moved on to someone else. Sometimes it was because I was simply too much. How could I be too much yet at the same time not enough? My heart was bruised, battered, and handed back to me.

This left me not liking myself even more and questioning everything. If he didn’t like me, why should I like me? Why didn’t he choose me? What’s wrong with me? Which then triggered me into believing that I’m not good enough followed by the whole, ‘Well of course he wasn’t interested in me, why would someone like him be interested in someone like me?’

There is a book called The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams which is a beautiful read. It is about a cheaply made toy rabbit who is snubbed by the boy he was bought for and by the other toys in the nursery. I won’t ruin the rest of the story for you in case you haven’t read it! At the end of the story, the Velveteen Rabbit realises that he no longer cares what people think about him, as long as he is loved by the boy. The book is saying that when someone really loves you, you become real. The book talks about self-acceptance. Accepting and believing in yourself.

The book shows how self-worth is often something that people only achieve after a long period of time and the process is often painful and difficult. At the end of the journey, there is eventually a sense of wholeness. It also touches on how the Velveteen Rabbit could never have enjoyed the beauty of being real if he had not been broken open by the experience of vulnerability.

So, why can we not let people love us just as we are without having to fix ourselves and love ourselves first? Why can we not be with someone who will help us to love ourselves? Why can we not be with someone who loves every little thing about you, just the way you are? Why can we not be with someone who will love all your quirks, imperfections and insecurities and help you work through them with you? Be with someone who will not judge you. Be with someone you feel safe to be completely vulnerable with. Because being honest, that is what I would do. Or is that just me?

Because as they say in the book, when someone really, loves you, you become real.

I have started to choose myself now. I have accepted myself. I have started to believe in myself. But I do still struggle to love myself. I know that I am on the path to being my most authentic self. And if someone comes along who really loves me, just as I am, then maybe one day I will become real too.